survivors' guilt?

[verbminx]

The last couple of days have been weird, but, in a way, productive.

I mentioned in a friends-only post that a girl I used to know - not a friend, not really an enemy, just someone who occasionally hung out with some of the same people as me during my freshman year of college and at various times (but not at the same time) since then, and who I occasionally got along with and occasionally didn't - died really horribly last week, and I found out about it relatively late, and it upset me, to a degree that I wouldn't have predicted.

At the same time it isn't a personal tragedy for me or anything; it isn't about me at all. The only thing that's about me is that hearing about what happened to her has affected my mood, and I'm writing about it on my journal just now. It's been a pretty sharp memento mori. So in the last few days I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I spend my time and how I would rather be spending my time, not just today or tomorrow but for the next few years. I hope good things will come of it.

Still, I feel like a complete shit having a "renewed sense of purpose" as the result of an acquaintance's violent death. And I think that's the end of what I have to say on the matter.

Comments

[miabella.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry... that's rough. hey, if it brings about positive changes for you, that's nothing but good. i'm sorry about your acquaintance, and about the shock it must be to learn of it and think about it.

[no-spectator.livejournal.com]

Since you don't know me in real life, my advice could be of little import to you. But as someone who has witnessed quite a lot of violent death lately, I can tell you this:

Life is fragile, fleeting, and has no inherent meaning.

This life, this WORLD of ours has only the meaning and beauty we give it. And in the end, life is just to short to be small, you know?

[verbminx.livejournal.com]

I think I get it. Thank you for that. :)

[easilyirritable.livejournal.com]

Still, I feel like a complete shit having a "renewed sense of purpose" as the result of an acquaintance's violent death.

I felt this way after my sister almost died in a car accident. But then I thought about it, and I thought about if I died in such a way, I would feel at least a little happy that my sad ending provided the impetus for other people to reprioritize and really start living. Of course, that could just be massive rationalization, but I do think most people would not have a problem with knowing something good came out of such a tragedy.