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verbminxsometimes it is really difficult for me to think more than a few days into the future, because some days i can't see anything at all. oh, don't worry about me: it's not an overdramatic i want to diiiiiiiiiiie lack of seeing, probably more just a lack of imagination**. i have been rather bereft of drive and ambition since i started anti-anxiety/depression drugs. pre-drugs, i had plenty of ambition, but usually it was misdirected or frustrated or tied-up in fruitless avenues. at any rate, i try to think about the future and i get sad because i sometimes feel like i don't have one. again, not in a death way, more in a things have to change will they change? way. even when i do things to change them it doesn't seem to be enough. frustration. *kick*
and all the things i don't want right now... you'd be surprised; they're things i'm supposed to want. and i sometimes can't decide what i want. and sometimes when i get what i want, it isn't what i want at all, so i push it away in horror and run to the approximate opposite end of the earth.
so i read a lot. and i knit and make things. to which end at least four new jewelry things will be posted next week, maybe even later this week.
i'm in this craptalking philosophic mood mostly, i think, because my stomach has spent the last two days feeling like someone stuck an irritating little balloon into it. very bloated girlhormonalissuethings. not sleeping well at all. trying to manage.
the old shipping boxes which are empty now sit in a neat pile by the door, and more boxes are full, and new beads have been put away, and their promo cards discarded, and The Pink Ones have been removed from the "e"bead lots i buy, because The Pink Ones suck***.
and last night i sat and played piano which is not my specialty for almost an hour. ended up making up chords and resolving them and plucking out tunes. Then took all the open music and stacked it neatly on top of the piano to be packed up. tested my voice range: don't practice and you lose an octave, but it's the upper octave so it isn't like i was using it much. it isn't even on the treble staff, not a single note of it. all above. useless except "in case of mozart, break glass."
**Possibly something I cannot perceive in time to understand it happens; possibly thinking about The Future in a generalized sense causes such anxiety that my perceptions shut down and cannot imagine anything at all; more probably, the knowledge that there is a lot between HERE and THERE causes me to, on some level, Not Want To Think About It At All, Due To Everything That Could Go Wrong In The Interim.
***The Pink Ones are, for some inexplicable reason, clear glass beads with a silver lining and a weird, chippy pink coating that comes off on your skin. All The Other Ones are silver-lined beads with the colors actually in the glass. I'm not really sure why they did that to The Pink Ones, but I separate them out from the others by hand. So far I've saved them and will probably soak them in some nailpolish remover to see if the crap coating will come off and leave me with something interesting.
and all the things i don't want right now... you'd be surprised; they're things i'm supposed to want. and i sometimes can't decide what i want. and sometimes when i get what i want, it isn't what i want at all, so i push it away in horror and run to the approximate opposite end of the earth.
so i read a lot. and i knit and make things. to which end at least four new jewelry things will be posted next week, maybe even later this week.
i'm in this craptalking philosophic mood mostly, i think, because my stomach has spent the last two days feeling like someone stuck an irritating little balloon into it. very bloated girlhormonalissuethings. not sleeping well at all. trying to manage.
the old shipping boxes which are empty now sit in a neat pile by the door, and more boxes are full, and new beads have been put away, and their promo cards discarded, and The Pink Ones have been removed from the "e"bead lots i buy, because The Pink Ones suck***.
and last night i sat and played piano which is not my specialty for almost an hour. ended up making up chords and resolving them and plucking out tunes. Then took all the open music and stacked it neatly on top of the piano to be packed up. tested my voice range: don't practice and you lose an octave, but it's the upper octave so it isn't like i was using it much. it isn't even on the treble staff, not a single note of it. all above. useless except "in case of mozart, break glass."
**Possibly something I cannot perceive in time to understand it happens; possibly thinking about The Future in a generalized sense causes such anxiety that my perceptions shut down and cannot imagine anything at all; more probably, the knowledge that there is a lot between HERE and THERE causes me to, on some level, Not Want To Think About It At All, Due To Everything That Could Go Wrong In The Interim.
***The Pink Ones are, for some inexplicable reason, clear glass beads with a silver lining and a weird, chippy pink coating that comes off on your skin. All The Other Ones are silver-lined beads with the colors actually in the glass. I'm not really sure why they did that to The Pink Ones, but I separate them out from the others by hand. So far I've saved them and will probably soak them in some nailpolish remover to see if the crap coating will come off and leave me with something interesting.
‡ anomie ‡
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-19 10:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-21 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-20 12:11 am (UTC)I'll email you directions tomorrow so you know how to get to my place. =)
Re:
Date: 2003-03-20 07:38 am (UTC)mail them to me @livejournal.com...
x0