Zo! You haf been rested!

After my last entry my mother came home bearing food and made me take a nap. This was good, as it was restful, but bad, as I fell asleep for almost three hours & had strange dreams. I was caught in a neighbor's annoying "reality TV" spoof show that mostly involved them throwing furniture at me and slamming doors in my face. I tried to kick and scream and I couldn't accomplish anything.

At one point my arm got cut (I assume I must have been lying on it), and was hurting and bleeding, and about 1/2hour later, N-cat jumped onto it (jumping down from the window over the bed) in the same spot and ripped it open. The sensation was the same. I remember reading about time paradoxes related to dreams, & wonder if I actually dreamed that bit AFTER he fell on my arm but remember waking up before it. Now I'm just trying not to hurt my brain with things that are better thought-of by physics grad students (will have to drop WB a line), and have put a cute purple bandage with all three Powerpuff Girls over the spot. I disinfected it and put neosporin on it, so hopefully the swelling will go down tomorrow. It's just two small bruisey puncture wounds.

I have discovered that part of my problem today has been that I fell asleep without taking my Paxil last night, and when that happens I can get very numb and twitchy and disconnected-feeling, and on top of that I wasn't having a good day to begin with. I'm still having strange nervous-system shifts that I can't describe & which are usually pretty attributable to my general illness, but the numbness in my lips and nose and hands seems to have receded.

My lip is dry and cracking and split; in my dreams the whole top layer had holes and there was another, rawer layer underneath, like peeling rubber or something.

I spent the evening watching Buffy and, unusually, Angel (which strangely enough was about physics grad students messing around with time paradoxes), and then some of Queens of Comedy until I got really offended by a joke that referred to losing weight by beating a cheeky child with a phone, which is around the time I lost interest and took a shower. Now I'm clean and still numb, so sleep is probably the answer.

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I have lost a bit of the numbness by eating a Luna bar... now I can feel things like my tongue pressing against the roof of my mouth.

I was thinking earlier, and wanted to remember to say, though it probably isn't an original thought:

The last time a king named George ruled the Americas, we booted his ass OUT. He was eventually declared unfit to rule anything due to mental deficiency, and his stand-in wasn't too much better.

Also, I have been reminded that lately I want to volunteer with something. I'm just not sure what, or where I can find the time/energy. I'd specifically like to help some kind of women's charity, but I don't know what is available in my county... I'm thinking some kind of rape crisis counselling or domestic violence thing. A big problem is that one of the few ways to find out about this is to go through a specific department at my college, and I don't like to go through them because they are as bad as a salesperson - they call you at home A LOT. The last time I tried to find something there they didn't have anything I felt comfortable doing at all.

I'm so tired and hot and dizzy and my brain is so whirling with things it wants to do.

(no subject)

why
can't
i
sleep?

(no subject)

I still can't sleep.

It's not like I haven't tried.
I've gone to bed four times, dutifully getting up after a half-hour or so to wander off and do other things until I "get tired enough to sleep". Then I lay down and wake up, and my sinuses also start dripping from whichever side I'm not lying on.

& I have to leave for a haircut in a little over six hours.
& I still feel wound-up.

(no subject)

Well, I got my four-plus-change hours of sleep and made it to my haircut. I think I have a mushroom, but that's probably just the way she styled it... I always style the sides to either the back or the front, not the sides.

After my appointment, went to dinner at the OG (which wasn't actually all that yum) and finally picked up my scanner and cam at Best Buy. Also got a silly game called Sheep, and some new summery stuff from Ross (the cutest is a red hoodie with 2/3 sleeves that have monkeys and kanji on them).

Came home and went for the walk. I was able to work up to a decent burn tonight but still can't handle more than 10 seconds of wall-sitting yet. Went further tonight than I've gone since starting this program... covered a few more blocks. The sky was very bright and clear and it was cool outside without being cold.

Back at the casa, I logged online to read about all the interesting things that have happened today, like some schlub brandishing the gun before he made it into the White House. No surprises there. I wonder how many attempts The Shrub will rack up? There has to be some kind of list of data about attempts... I wonder which prez has had the most attempts on his life?

WB dropped me a line today and I just wrote back, which took a while. I find myself being a bit angsty and wanting to open up to him, but he's busy & we're not that close & I don't feel right about it. All the stuff I'm worried about is education/career stuff and feeling like I have a million things to do and no time to do any of it. I used to have someone in my life who was super-reassuring about that sort of thing, but for various (good) reasons we aren't in touch anymore... and that support is the major thing I really miss about him. Not that my other friends -aren't- supportive, just that reassurance from specific quarters is sometimes more soothing than that from others.

Mmm, I am going to wash my face and do a little bit of homework and go to sleep.
I'm going to expand to fill myself while I sleep.
I feel like there are little emptinesses inside, like things have shrunken.
I have to fill them again with blood and air, energy and aspiration.
I have to not trip and fall inside.
Something under my skin has a skinned knee and a pout and I feel her tugging and dragging insistently at my sleeve.