(no subject)

I am having an epically shitty day.
I can't even go into it, really.
I'm just going to chatter with friends,
read,
sniffle,
sniffle,
sniffle,
chatter,
and read some more.
and draw things on post-it notes, because that is an actual assignment and i've allowed myself to fall behind a little.

i'm trying so hard not to be passive-aggressive.
so i'm not going to say much else for now.

(no subject)

it wasn't any one thing.

i'm tired today, but i dragged myself together and went out and got very little accomplished. i had an argument with my mother that resulted mostly from her making certain assumptions as to my motivations. this is nothing unusual and solves itself quickly after a little yelling and maybe a few tears. it's one of the same three fights we always have.

regardless, when i got home and checked my mail, i found something from the friend i'm having problems with. it was a weird unpleasant mail & very one-sided... basically, that my illness and my living situation bring her down. she didn't used to be like she has been lately (in general, not just towards me). & it's very hurtful. & i don't really understand her own self-pity regarding me, or her self-appointed mission to drag me into useful-personhood by only being my friend if i'm doing it on her terms. that she's so conditional. fuck it, i can't explain it, it's more complicated than this, and it's not something i should be talking about here.

there are so many other things i could say about this, but i'm sick of dwelling on it.

***

in happier news, i might get the chance to try my hand at investing. more on that some other time. my mother got sick of my investment advice ("you need to pay off your cards and THEN invest!" "you can get higher returns than what you're getting from the life insurance account!" etc).

there is the cutest boy working at a coffee place i go to a lot. i don't recall whether i have described him here before. he seems very nice and friendly and quick-witted. he's 2 years younger than me & very indie rock - tall, skinny, dyes his hair black, sort of Jarvis Cocker meets... meets... meets indie boy wearing holey tees and a hoodie! and i'm normally so good at talking with guys, but this one strikes me dumb and shy! i just sit there and stare at him while my tongue swells to twice its normal size, rendering my speech clumsy.

i can't decide if he's too young for me... generally i'm not into younger guys AT ALL (they tend to be not so hot in the stability department, & I need someone more "together" than me, not less). & I wonder, when I think about talking to him for more than a few sentences, how often girls hit on him, whether or not he's a player. he's friendly to me but he seems to be friendly to everyone. i feel like I'm fifteen! "Hi! You're cute! Wanna walk me home from school so we can get to know each other better?"

crushes are fun. hee!

(no subject)

talking to lulu about some stuff she's going through. it's calming to talk to someone about a problem they're having (rather than examine any of mine in any depth) and to try to help her feel better. it helps two people. maybe more.

but i would never want to be a therapist! just friends with people. just kindly and patient and bumblingly helpful. like the englishman said, it makes my heart smile. like the englishwoman said, people who meddle too much in other people's affairs often end up like Emma. (the englishman being david gahan. the englishwoman being jane austen.)

i'm tired. fragments are tripping through my head and i could stay up to try to work them into something, but not staying up til dawn is part of the New Responsibility (such as it is). & I always keep in mind that I have to be up by 8AM several days per week. sleep being a luxury is a luxury i can't afford, so i give up others, like staring bleary-eyed at a pad of paper and a pencil as the sun comes up. a little less creativity for a little more health. it's a deal i can handle right now.