(no subject)

It's been quite a day.

Got up around 11, feeling better than I had been feeling in the past few days. I don't really recall what I did for the next few hours... probably the usual procrastination and slacking. Then I got ready to go study at a bookstore (an hour away, but it's a good place to blow a few hours, if nothing else). Then I managed to do the most spectacular of several boneheaded things I've done today.

I was feeling feverish and achy, so I took my usual "cocktail" - 2 Aleve, 2 high-test Tylenol (I used to use Extra Strength, 500mg, but since I discovered Arthritis Formula, 650mg lasting 8 hours, I've made the switch - and yes, my doctor says this cocktail is safe as long as I'm not doing it all the time). My mother was in the other room and asked for 2 of my Tylenol. I cheerfully got them out of the bottle, got distracted, and took the Tylenol in my hand that had been meant for her.

For anyone keeping count, that's 2600mg plus Aleve plus my usual Guaifenesin and Paxil. I called my doctor's office rather frantically and was reassured that I hadn't taken a particularly large overdose and that I would probably be drowsy and have a stomachache. My stomach has felt mildly irritated, but other than that I have been OK. If I had died, I hope that someone would have nominated me for a Darwin Award.

After that we sat at the bookstore for hours and I looked at dozens of books and didn't buy ANYthing. Came close with bell hooks' all about love and the bio (by Amanda Foreman, I think?) Georgianna, Duchess of Devonshire, both of which are new in paperback. I read most of Colors magazine, which focused on a Burundian refugee camp in Tanzania and was eye-opening and distressing. I flipped through a literal ton of other things but nothing caught me tightly enough.

Then I had either a panic attack or a "sensory storm" (which is a pre-seizure state that CFIDS patients manifest & is characterized by a feeling of terror & weirdness & being overwhelmed)... had to turn off the radio, slow down the car, etc. Had a mildly harrowing 20 minutes or so, then felt better.

Blah blah blah. Honestly, an uninteresting day filled with me doing either necessary things or silly things or downright foolish and dangerous things. Now I'm tired and it's raining and I'm going to go to sleep (after I say goodnight to Ragdoll, that is).

just plain crazy, hold the poems.

i just wrote a longish entry and then made it private... because to publicize it, even as "friends-only", would be passive-aggressive in the extreme. long story, maybe to come up later. i feel very distant from a close friend, that's the gist. i can't figure out whether i'm being too needy or it's all in her lap... probably a bit of both.

it's tiring, i don't deal with these things well or express my feelings effectively enough. i lose people. the people i love most slide through my fingers when i let them disappoint me and hurt me so much that i can't stand the sight of them anymore. but i want to fight for this one. it's not that bad right now, i don't want it to get bad.

thunder here. i'm so tired and disoriented that i feel like i'm hanging above the screen and it's a perfectly flat surface beneath me. the n-cat is hiding; the storm scares him.

poemcrazy has you becoming one with nature pretty early on.

i hate nature.

i mean, i like a walk in green springy grass as much as anyone, and i used to go on lengthy woodhikexplorations with my stepmother when i was 9 or 10 years old and hardier than i am now, splashing through wide creeks and climbing steep dirt paths. but i'm not interested in writing poetry about it. i suppose rather than hating nature i actually hate "nature poetry". mostly. maybe.

(it all sounds so tyler durden: "fuck snow! fuck cute little birds! fuck creeks and fuck goddamn TADPOLES!")

but you know what i mean. right?

(no subject)

I stayed up too late last night but woke up around noon and have been guzzling green tea ever since.

I'm home alone, a pleasant occurrence which is happening often lately. My mother has gone from never leaving the house alone and never letting me leave without her to being a Studying Machine, all day every day. She refuses to study at home, says she has nowhere to do it. She goes to bookstores and libraries and spends all evening in the school computer labs. I could be out with the car, but since I haven't been feeling too well lately, I've simply been staying home and enjoying the solitude. Peace and quiet with no-one else's [distressed] energy echoing through the house. Taking deep breaths.

I need to be a little more of a studying machine myself, though I don't think her level of obsessiveness is healthy. It's two college prep classes for no actual credit towards a degree, and she's studying at least 6 to 8 hours per day, sometimes longer.

I've been using a curling iron lately, to get my hair to do Clara Bow things, rather than just sit there looking messy. It's cute, it gives me those "6" curls on the side of my face, but I keep burning myself. I have a little flaky patch on my forehead near the hairline, almost covered by my bangs. I don't really like curling irons - don't like having to style my hair much at all, actually. Can't wait to grow it out to just past my shoulders. I won't be a mermaid anymore like I was when my hair skimmed the small of my back, but it will be lower-maintenance.

tokyo smile

I feel like maybe I should append this to my other entry... but.

Yesterday it occurred to me that I was dressed like a japanese hipster teenager (even if not quite strangely hipster cool enough to have stepped out of the pages of KERouAc). This is a look I find immensely charming, so I was proud of myself, happy with the way it turned out.

I wore a long blue denim skirt with a slit to the knee in back, a blue fitted tee with a glitter transfer of an alterna-girl (multicolored hair, tattoos, chunky saddle shoes) and her puppy (similar in style to this one, which is from the same line), black tights, my kitten shoes, my cat's-eye glasses with rhinestone corners, my hair properly styled and curled, the usual neutral-shades makeup with brown cat eyeliner and a relatively strong lip, my kitty-collar bracelet (black velvet with rhinestones), my metallicpearlwhite SwatchSkin, and a black close-fitting hoodie with satin trim and 3/4 sleeves. My furry furry black purse.

Today I'm going to wear something similar, but no bracelets or watch, and a Josie & The Pussycats American Tour tee.

This is all so self-absorbed. But isn't that what a journal is for?
*puzzled*
*apparent paradox abounds*