verbminx

OK... I sat and I read. And I read. And I read. And I read. And sleep was not forthcoming, and most of the sleep aids that I have would have screwed up my fragile sinuses (most over-the-counter sleep aids are just an antihistamine that makes you drowsy). So I have been sitting here for a while trying to get tired enough to sleep. I hurt, even the joints of my fingers hurt.

I did all manner of helpful things (I kid)... well, among a lot of dithering at various online shops, I managed to find an oft-sought former associate online. Yay! So I wrote an email to him. He's this supercool guy I dated for like two weeks in 1993 and stayed friends with for years later... but the last two times we've lost touch, it's been me who dropped the ball. So I dropped him a line. It turns out that he has been working in Boston for a while. I hope he writes back, he's the only ex I miss.

That started me thinking about the passage of time... and I realised that my last big problematic romance, the one with the alcoholic, started three years ago and took most of that year to play out and the whole next year for me to even begin to recover from. I realised that it seems longer ago than that, a whole lifetime away, like it happened to another person. I dropped by his website to see if I could face it & learned, to my surprise, something I never noticed before. He moved. Across the country. When he and I last saw each other, another girl had pretty much leeched herself to him, & I never thought much would come of it. Well, he moved to her city in the middle of nowhere.

I was upset for two minutes in a confused way, and then realised that... I really don't care. I'm not 100% over it... I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues as a result of my relationship with him... but I'm not jealous or anything. She can have him. Which makes me happy... either I don't have to deal with him pretty much ever again, or I go on to something better sometime. Both are attractive. Even on the outside chance that the latter never happens, the former is still something to smile about.

& I forgot to mention that I wrote mail to my darling friend B. last night, who I haven't talked to in a while... he must be the hippest boy in the county. He dropped me a line today & I wrote back & we're going to try to hang out when we can coordinate our schedules (that is, when I feel a little better & am not buried in schoolwork, and he has a day off work & can drag himself away from The Sims). I so wish I liked him "that way"... I kinda do, I have a bit of a crush on him because he's sooooo cooool, but everytime I consider taking it anywhere, my mind won't go there. I guess I just don't see him in a relationship sort of way. But maybe someday I will. But maybe someday I won't. So for now I just really enjoy spending time with him in a platonic sort of way.

Gee, I have to get up in an hour. I wish I was sleepy...