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Nov. 18th, 2000 02:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verbminxSo earlier today I dragged myself out of bed after maybe 6 hours of sleep - overheated, interrupted sleep. Got dressed and ready and went out to a bookstore in Orlando, where some pianist my mother wanted to see was playing.
Except the pianist wasn't... it was a guitarist. Pearl Jam can hire him when Eddie Vedder quits. He wasn't bad, but he was that kind of grungey coffeehouseish performer. They were out of turkey sandwiches, so I had a slice of tiramisu. Then I wandered around the store forever, looking for things to look at. I ended up getting another CFIDS book, a really excellent one, as well as the by-now infamous Nigel Jackson tarot (really the prettiest one I've seen, excepting possibly the Amano, Miracle, and Vertigo tarots), the new Jeanette Winterson novel The PowerBook, and the Supreme Beings of Leisure cd (because I'm never the same, never the same girl twice).
Then came home to find mail from T. strongly disagreeing with my last entry. Be amused. (I might add that while yesterday I felt vaguely let-down, today I have NO emotional reaction to the whole WB situation... well, except maybe mild irritation.)
Edited for content... and to protect the guilty.
(oh, yeah. a pertinent note which I don't think I have mentioned here, but which all my friends know: WB and I had a very romanticky fling when we first met, for about four or five days, before I had to leave Boston. For me it was intended to be a silly out-of-character hookup at a party, but then he ended up actually being nice and interesting, so I agreed to go out with him again, and sparks flew, so we ended up spending several nights together, & he saw me off the morning I left.)
Me: no, that's not all he said. I snipped a good deal of his part out because I didn't think it was appropriate to post in my journal.
T: ok. I was just adding my 2 cents in a dollar conversation
Me: and because I hadn't heard from him in like two or three weeks... he had called me in lieu of answering a mail, not written when he said he was going to, and then not answered a mail, so I sent him mail a few days ago asking him if his students had killed and eaten him.
Me: (because I was pretty sure he had gotten involved with someone and then gotten Weird about it.)
Me: and I don't need a boy [in my life] who is getting Weird about me and assuming things he has no right to assume, or who stops caring about me as a person because he's boinking some med student.
T: all right
Me: and it's one of about 8 sections in the mail.
Me: point is, he can date whoever he wants. i don't care. it has nothing to do with me right now and he shouldn't treat me any differently because of it.
T: hm. I won't comment because I think it would set you on your hackles
Me: whatever.
Me: he's been treating me Differently the past few weeks and I don't want him to treat me Differently because there isn't any difference between us.
Me: and if there is, it's in HIS head, not mine.
T: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk or anything about this. let's change the subject to one less quarrelsome
Me: that's what I'm trying to say. him dating some med student has nothing to do with me. he has been treating me a little differently in the past few weeks, and he shouldn't. and if he's gonna, then i'm not gonna bother with him at all.
i'm not being quarrelsome. i'm trying to explain and clarify to you.
T: well.. I don't know. has he resonded to your email yet?
Me: I haven't SENT my email yet.
Me: & when I do... he won't see it til Monday, and he'll probably sit on it all week, because that is What He Does.
T: ok.. you're telling me that all this time he had absolutely no clue that you were thinking of him in semi-romantic ways?
Me: ack. you apparently Don't Get It.
A) This is not a boy who Does online communication, really.
B) This is not a girl who flirts very overtly unless overtly flirted with first.
C) This is a girl who had her ASS BURNED OFF in a longdistance relationship, and would rather eat glass than be in another one.
Me: ergo, girl has feelings of admiration for boy, which she knows are returned, but girl does not let boy's head get too big or do anything that would make things Weird between them. the one thing that girl did that WAS Weird, Boy enjoyed but didn't know what to make of it. (girl sent boy a brief email stating "What were you into as a kid? just curious.")
T: all I'm saying is that what you said you sent him or were going to send him to me seemed combative, especially moreso considering that he knows you like him but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. whether your feelings would've gotten hurt or not doesn't matter inasmuch as he didn't know if they would or not, and that's pretty apparent. so of course it's a weird and uneasy topic for him to address.
Me: um... he knows I am not interested in a relationship with him.
Me: and, he likes me. and he knows that i know he isn't any more into long distance things than i am. so really, that is NOT AN ISSUE. what is an issue is his weirdness about the whole thing.
T: yet he hardly ever writes and you sit and mope about that and write in your journal that you wished he'd write more
Me: t, have you not noticed that until my mother got home, i had been living alone for six months, sick for most of it, and pretty much only hanging out with L, since in the past year or so I stopped talking to my three "closest" friends?
Me: and that L makes me pretty miserable?
T: yes
Me: WB "hardly ever writes" because he hardly ever writes [anyone,] PERIOD. he doesn't even have an internet connection at home. he does email in his office during his "office hours" I mean, he is not an email person. He has no chat programs.
Me: Stop trying to tell me how I feel about something! :P
Me: & I might add, I have written to him once every week to ten days AT MOST. & usually in reply to the last thing he wrote me.
T: all I'm trying to say is that, to me, that email looked like an attack. I would've counseled to just ignore the whole weird comment and write back "hey, cool, I hope things work out for you and her." you know? there are things in there that are offensive, unless he's got a really really loose sense of humor, which, if he does, then cool.
Me: well, i don't hope things work out for him and her. i don't care either way. if things look like an attack, it's because he's been really, really weird the past couple of weeks, and i want him to understand that i don't need that kind of crap. if he suddenly can't write mail because he got a girlfriend, then something is wrong on HIS side.
Me: that is NOT treating me like a friend. and that is NOT the whole email [in my journal], it's a small part of it... most of the rest of it is pleasantries and discussion.
T: ok. I'm not trying to tell you to do anything or not do anything. I'm just saying what I think.
Me: and I don't at all think it is an "i don't want to hurt verbminx's feelings" thing, because if it were, he would not have been so weird about email in the last few weeks.
Me: i think it's more a "uhoh, do i have two women here? uhoh, what do i do? am i cheating?" sort of thing.
T: have you discussed before this the possibility of meeting people irl locally?
Me: and if me saying "I don't really CARE what is going on with your love life, just BE MY FRIEND" runs him off, then I DON'T NEED HIM IN MY LIFE.
No! Because WE ARE NOT INVOLVED!
THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP TO DISCUSS! argh.
T: while we're at this, could you explain the birds and the bees to me as well?
T: <-----douchelord
Me: *boot to head*
T: do you still love me? ;)
Me: no. :P
Bleah. This whole thing is more trouble than it's worth... talking about it makes is seem like it's bigger than it is to me. I'm sick of talking about it, so until there is something new to say, it's moot.
Except the pianist wasn't... it was a guitarist. Pearl Jam can hire him when Eddie Vedder quits. He wasn't bad, but he was that kind of grungey coffeehouseish performer. They were out of turkey sandwiches, so I had a slice of tiramisu. Then I wandered around the store forever, looking for things to look at. I ended up getting another CFIDS book, a really excellent one, as well as the by-now infamous Nigel Jackson tarot (really the prettiest one I've seen, excepting possibly the Amano, Miracle, and Vertigo tarots), the new Jeanette Winterson novel The PowerBook, and the Supreme Beings of Leisure cd (because I'm never the same, never the same girl twice).
Then came home to find mail from T. strongly disagreeing with my last entry. Be amused. (I might add that while yesterday I felt vaguely let-down, today I have NO emotional reaction to the whole WB situation... well, except maybe mild irritation.)
Edited for content... and to protect the guilty.
(oh, yeah. a pertinent note which I don't think I have mentioned here, but which all my friends know: WB and I had a very romanticky fling when we first met, for about four or five days, before I had to leave Boston. For me it was intended to be a silly out-of-character hookup at a party, but then he ended up actually being nice and interesting, so I agreed to go out with him again, and sparks flew, so we ended up spending several nights together, & he saw me off the morning I left.)
Me: no, that's not all he said. I snipped a good deal of his part out because I didn't think it was appropriate to post in my journal.
T: ok. I was just adding my 2 cents in a dollar conversation
Me: and because I hadn't heard from him in like two or three weeks... he had called me in lieu of answering a mail, not written when he said he was going to, and then not answered a mail, so I sent him mail a few days ago asking him if his students had killed and eaten him.
Me: (because I was pretty sure he had gotten involved with someone and then gotten Weird about it.)
Me: and I don't need a boy [in my life] who is getting Weird about me and assuming things he has no right to assume, or who stops caring about me as a person because he's boinking some med student.
T: all right
Me: and it's one of about 8 sections in the mail.
Me: point is, he can date whoever he wants. i don't care. it has nothing to do with me right now and he shouldn't treat me any differently because of it.
T: hm. I won't comment because I think it would set you on your hackles
Me: whatever.
Me: he's been treating me Differently the past few weeks and I don't want him to treat me Differently because there isn't any difference between us.
Me: and if there is, it's in HIS head, not mine.
T: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk or anything about this. let's change the subject to one less quarrelsome
Me: that's what I'm trying to say. him dating some med student has nothing to do with me. he has been treating me a little differently in the past few weeks, and he shouldn't. and if he's gonna, then i'm not gonna bother with him at all.
i'm not being quarrelsome. i'm trying to explain and clarify to you.
T: well.. I don't know. has he resonded to your email yet?
Me: I haven't SENT my email yet.
Me: & when I do... he won't see it til Monday, and he'll probably sit on it all week, because that is What He Does.
T: ok.. you're telling me that all this time he had absolutely no clue that you were thinking of him in semi-romantic ways?
Me: ack. you apparently Don't Get It.
A) This is not a boy who Does online communication, really.
B) This is not a girl who flirts very overtly unless overtly flirted with first.
C) This is a girl who had her ASS BURNED OFF in a longdistance relationship, and would rather eat glass than be in another one.
Me: ergo, girl has feelings of admiration for boy, which she knows are returned, but girl does not let boy's head get too big or do anything that would make things Weird between them. the one thing that girl did that WAS Weird, Boy enjoyed but didn't know what to make of it. (girl sent boy a brief email stating "What were you into as a kid? just curious.")
T: all I'm saying is that what you said you sent him or were going to send him to me seemed combative, especially moreso considering that he knows you like him but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. whether your feelings would've gotten hurt or not doesn't matter inasmuch as he didn't know if they would or not, and that's pretty apparent. so of course it's a weird and uneasy topic for him to address.
Me: um... he knows I am not interested in a relationship with him.
Me: and, he likes me. and he knows that i know he isn't any more into long distance things than i am. so really, that is NOT AN ISSUE. what is an issue is his weirdness about the whole thing.
T: yet he hardly ever writes and you sit and mope about that and write in your journal that you wished he'd write more
Me: t, have you not noticed that until my mother got home, i had been living alone for six months, sick for most of it, and pretty much only hanging out with L, since in the past year or so I stopped talking to my three "closest" friends?
Me: and that L makes me pretty miserable?
T: yes
Me: WB "hardly ever writes" because he hardly ever writes [anyone,] PERIOD. he doesn't even have an internet connection at home. he does email in his office during his "office hours" I mean, he is not an email person. He has no chat programs.
Me: Stop trying to tell me how I feel about something! :P
Me: & I might add, I have written to him once every week to ten days AT MOST. & usually in reply to the last thing he wrote me.
T: all I'm trying to say is that, to me, that email looked like an attack. I would've counseled to just ignore the whole weird comment and write back "hey, cool, I hope things work out for you and her." you know? there are things in there that are offensive, unless he's got a really really loose sense of humor, which, if he does, then cool.
Me: well, i don't hope things work out for him and her. i don't care either way. if things look like an attack, it's because he's been really, really weird the past couple of weeks, and i want him to understand that i don't need that kind of crap. if he suddenly can't write mail because he got a girlfriend, then something is wrong on HIS side.
Me: that is NOT treating me like a friend. and that is NOT the whole email [in my journal], it's a small part of it... most of the rest of it is pleasantries and discussion.
T: ok. I'm not trying to tell you to do anything or not do anything. I'm just saying what I think.
Me: and I don't at all think it is an "i don't want to hurt verbminx's feelings" thing, because if it were, he would not have been so weird about email in the last few weeks.
Me: i think it's more a "uhoh, do i have two women here? uhoh, what do i do? am i cheating?" sort of thing.
T: have you discussed before this the possibility of meeting people irl locally?
Me: and if me saying "I don't really CARE what is going on with your love life, just BE MY FRIEND" runs him off, then I DON'T NEED HIM IN MY LIFE.
No! Because WE ARE NOT INVOLVED!
THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP TO DISCUSS! argh.
T: while we're at this, could you explain the birds and the bees to me as well?
T: <-----douchelord
Me: *boot to head*
T: do you still love me? ;)
Me: no. :P
Bleah. This whole thing is more trouble than it's worth... talking about it makes is seem like it's bigger than it is to me. I'm sick of talking about it, so until there is something new to say, it's moot.
