(no subject)

still feeling pretty blah. I'd like to say "awful", but I reserve that for colds and flus and such.

I went to bed earlier, but my mom wanted to come in here and play Alchemy, which she could have done elsewhere, so the light and noise and the fact that she left the TV on loud in her room and didn't stop talking to me the entire time sort of kept me awake. Then I was helping her play and she yelled at me, and that kind of did in my plan to sleep.

So I went into her room and turned on every light and turned on the TV and hurt my back on the bed (there is a wooden rail all around the mattress). Watched the excellent X-Files time travel ep titled "Triangle", where there are many continuous-shot scenes and a 1939 version of Scully who gives Mulder a knuckle sandwich when he smooches her at the end. Yay.

Now I'm tired again. But also a little hungry. There are lumps on my head that hurt. I'm worried because one of them is a spot that hurt a lot several years ago, when I fainted and hit my head. But my whole head hurts in various ways, so I'm just trying to take it easy and get some sleep for now. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Today I didn't even really feel much like eating, even when I was hungry... not much was appetizing.

I might be getting a laptop, but it has nothing to do with my birthday and everything to do with the fact that my mom's youngest brother quit his job today. His boss was abusive. My uncle has been trying, for a while and for various reasons, to sell a relatively recent laptop computer (it's maybe a year old). I keep telling my mother that it's not her job to bail her siblings out and now that she no longer has a "monthly income" (hers came from my stepfather), she can't afford to. but she feels bad and like she kind of "led [my uncle] on", so she's probably going to buy it (for $600) and let me have Little Boy, or let me have the "new" laptop. She told him she'd buy it, and it turns out that my uncle has someone lined up who might buy it for $700. So if the guy buys it, no laptop and no ridiculous unnecessary $600 expense. If not, we'll spend the $600 even though we really don't have it.

I'm not really mad at anyone, I just wish that my mother were not so easily manipulated/guilted by her relatives & that they would stop thinking of us as "the rich ones", because we really aren't. Not that this particular uncle is even trying that... he's not one of the usual people who plays that game. It just happens that she would feel really bad about telling him no when she knows he's pressed for cash. But, at the same time, that money could go a long way towards buying our puppy or a DVD player or something, or could be invested. So you know, I think it's a large unnecessary expense.

Bah... it's just... hard to describe and hard to decide.

everyone else is doing it so why can't i?

this is from just about everyone. you trendy things.

I see: my chinese dragon beanie baby
I need: a nice massage
I find: things i forgot i had, whenever i clean
I want: to feel good, this stuff, a black and blue brocade satin underbust corset, interesting hair
I have: an evil headache that will not go away
I wish: that my headache would go away
I love: haruki murakami
I hate: john grisham
I miss: all my friends who live far away
I fear: entrapment
I feel: rough
I hear: the washing machine and a/c running
I smell: nothing. ozone.
I crave: appetizing food
I search: for someone who deserves me, & for my grand purpose
I wonder: at everything
I regret: playing a serious game by someone else's rules, not showing my softside more often

and this one, this is his fault. (don't call him a lothario, you dig?)

DO YOU
...Smoke?: No. Ick.
...Do drugs?: nope. well, as prescribed. Paxil.
...Have sex?: theoretically. but I get action as often as Scully.
...Sleep with stuffed animals?: sometimes.
...Live in the moment?: mmmm
...Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no. a blank slate.
...Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes, though it changes a bit each time
...Play an instrument?: not well, but yes.
...Believe there is life on other planets?: maybe. i don't know. my dad is a UFO junkie. i shy away from it. but it's not impossible.
...Remember your first love?: yes
...Still love him/her?: nope
...Read the newspaper?: no, but online newspapers
...Believe in miracles?: not really, not in the "touched by an angel" sense, but i do believe in fortuitous coincidence & the possibility of the unexplainable.
...Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes
...Consider yourself tolerant of others?: more or less, but it depends on the person and the circumstances
...Consider love a mistake?: no, but the behavior it encourages can be, or if not a mistake at least a waste of time and energy...
...Like the taste of alcohol?: not really, but i drink girly drinks. it depends on the alcohol. pure hooch, nyet. pucker schnapps, midori, etc... mais oui!
...Have a favorite candy?: i love chocolate too much to signal anything out, but Toffifay (impossible to get down here, i might add) is high on the list, along with chocolate-covered cherries (Cella's are good) and Godiva gingerbread truffles and and and...
...Believe in astrology?: Birth charts seem to be pretty accurate. Horoscopes, no, not intrinsically, but though I am skeptical, I've been impressed with Free Will Astrology. But like anything, all these things offer is a chance to develop new ways of looking at your current situations. They are not magic.
...Believe in magic?: In a gooshy universal sense, maybe. Not in a "I'm pagan and am going to go do a spell now" way.
...Believe in God?: Not so concretely. A universal intelligence, maybe. I'm not an atheist, but I don't believe in an all-seeing all-knowing all-powerful gendered personality in the sky watching my every sound.
...Go to church?: not in ten years, except to perform in things that happened to be held in churches, and for funerals and weddings and such.
...Have any secrets?: A few. None particularly impressive or worldshattering.
...Have any pets: A shiny grey kitty
...Do well in school?: Usually, unless I'm bored.
...Go to or plan to go to college?: I think I am probably going to be there for the next fifty years at least, so yeah.
...Have a major?: Why, I have four or five of them!
...Talk to strangers who instant message you?: Occasionally, but not really...
...Wear hats?: When my hair is short
...Have any piercings?: 1 earring per ear, and a labret stud
...Have any tattoos?: no, i dither
...Hate yourself?: possibly intense self-loathing is at the bottom of how irritating i find some other people, but i haven't hit bottom yet, so not usually. life is too short.
...Have an obsession?: heh. i have an obsessive personality. but they don't usually last. i get obsessed with something else and move on. obsessions are expensive.
...Have a secret crush?: oh, occasionally.
...Do they know yet?: maybe?
...Collect anything?: see comments about obsessions. i collect EVERYTHING. i cannot buy just one of anything.
...Have a best friend?: no way, dude. they sprout horns as soon as given the title. or little alien antennae. i have a cat.
...Wish on stars?: in foolish moments
...Like your handwriting?: oh yes indeed
...Have any bad habits?: LOL... i am a walking bad habit in many small neurotic ways
...Care about looks?: oh yes.
...Believe in witches? LOL. no.
...Believe in Satan?: can't have hot rods without satan
...Believe in ghosts?: yes, but in a quasi-scientific way. as dumb energy. not spooooooky intelligences come back from the grave to watch over you and show you where they hid the money.

(no subject)

my contribution to your entertainment this fine friday afternoon:

MELODYLAND

(what, you mean you never wanted your cellphone to ring with those little blips from A-ha!'s "Take On Me"? Well, you do now!...
or, you know, one of the thousands of other ostensibly disposable pop hits they have in their database.)