(no subject)

I dozed for a while and then woke up again. I'm exploiting Napster while it's still running, mainly to get some songs by An April March, who I like. I can't think of anyone else whose songs I should download right now. My brain is foggy.

Talked to Ragdoll and Autumn for a while... Autumn in particular. I mentioned something involving an art project, and she mentioned something related to some materials I was using and how she had used something similar to create an object that ended up being used extensively in the photographs accompanying a magazine article, and it turned out that I had read the article years ago and still have a copy.

She told me a story about the various people mentioned in the article. Actually a really sad story, but made mildly amusing by hindsight. At the same time she went through this tremendous drama, I went through a drama that sprang up from a similar situation. So I've been sitting here telling her my story (which is not as bad as hers, but was still devastating in its own way). We were both so romantic and trusting, little black-clad chickadees in wolves' dens. Are all girls congenitally overly-romantic and silly, no matter how otherwise jaded and hardened, at eighteen? We both were.

People get stress fractures too. Fall apart when performing too determinedly under harsh conditions. I'm so glad to not live my life with that pace and emotional intensity anymore; I think I would have exploded by now.

(no subject)

You know, if I could have been given my choice before birth of which chronic illness to be blessed with, it would NOT have been one that leaves me with both insomnia and no energy. I still can't get to sleep. I've been awake for 22 hours! If I try to go to sleep I toss and turn, but if I try to read, my eyes hurt. At the moment I feel terrible, but very, very awake.

I did not mean to say in my last entry that there is anything wrong with emotional intensity, just that it can be very difficult when it is operating under bad circumstances, IE, directed at someone with a high percentage of Emotional Fuckwittage in their makeup. All that overwhelming love and devotion that would be wonderful in a normal relationship becomes almost too much to bear as it shifts to misery. The last time it happened, I thought my heart would pop one day, or crumble in on itself from all the pressure in my chest, all the tears welling up around it, crushing it. I thought I had Wised Up by that point, and the pain came as a terrible unwelcome surprise.

But my heart didn't fail and my breath didn't stop for long. & I don't know if I am stronger now, or just more afraid.