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Feb. 21st, 2001 09:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verbminxYou know, if I could have been given my choice before birth of which chronic illness to be blessed with, it would NOT have been one that leaves me with both insomnia and no energy. I still can't get to sleep. I've been awake for 22 hours! If I try to go to sleep I toss and turn, but if I try to read, my eyes hurt. At the moment I feel terrible, but very, very awake.
I did not mean to say in my last entry that there is anything wrong with emotional intensity, just that it can be very difficult when it is operating under bad circumstances, IE, directed at someone with a high percentage of Emotional Fuckwittage in their makeup. All that overwhelming love and devotion that would be wonderful in a normal relationship becomes almost too much to bear as it shifts to misery. The last time it happened, I thought my heart would pop one day, or crumble in on itself from all the pressure in my chest, all the tears welling up around it, crushing it. I thought I had Wised Up by that point, and the pain came as a terrible unwelcome surprise.
But my heart didn't fail and my breath didn't stop for long. & I don't know if I am stronger now, or just more afraid.
I did not mean to say in my last entry that there is anything wrong with emotional intensity, just that it can be very difficult when it is operating under bad circumstances, IE, directed at someone with a high percentage of Emotional Fuckwittage in their makeup. All that overwhelming love and devotion that would be wonderful in a normal relationship becomes almost too much to bear as it shifts to misery. The last time it happened, I thought my heart would pop one day, or crumble in on itself from all the pressure in my chest, all the tears welling up around it, crushing it. I thought I had Wised Up by that point, and the pain came as a terrible unwelcome surprise.
But my heart didn't fail and my breath didn't stop for long. & I don't know if I am stronger now, or just more afraid.
