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Jun. 27th, 2001 08:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verbminxI have not had a good night.
Since my sleeping is all wound around again (this is what happens when you are sick, when you have nowhere you have to be except at home, when you sleep a lot and have friends you like to stay up to talk to - sleeping becomes very arbitrary - ), I decided to stay up all day today. Or at least I will try; I may be too tired in a few hours, but right now I'm still going strong and an infusion of caffeine wouldn't hurt either. I'm wanting one of those fruit&yogurt parfait things from McD's but... they're from MCDONALD'S, for crying out loud. I could just go over to the grocery store and buy fruit. anyway, fruit is still o-u-t in my diet. it's technically OK but i've been having icecream every so often and I don't want to push the sugar levels. I ate grapes the other day, which was legal, but other than that I have been SO GOOD. taking my pills, using stevia in my tea, drinking almost nothing but water. no hooch, certainly, not even soy milk.
I cut SOMEthing on one of my legs. I have my knees drawn up to my chest and I just noticed that they were bloody. I took a shower a few hours ago, this must be a relic.
Anyway, I'm so restless. I still have a million things to do, but they're not fun enough to overcome the inertia and the vague sense that I would be horribly depressed if I thought about it enough. That Way Lies Dragons. I start to get a sick feeling of being about to open a door with bad things behind it, a lot, when I think about the future. It's just anxiety, it's just panic. Things swirl.
I am not a sad girl, I am not naturally sad. Maybe sarcastic and venomous under pressure, maybe a little too ironic. But it's in my nature to want to laugh and have fun, not to fall apart. I don't like people to see me crying. Anytime I think of it... if I am... I get more upset because I'm being mad at myself for being upset. So I try to be either quiet or kindly or delightful. & sometimes my kindliness or jokiness is miscast by others. & sometimes I'm irritable, though not the fabulous crank I was before I A) divorced myself from the cause of much of my crankiness and B)met my friend Paxil. & I'm pretty sure that everyone my age is just as stuck in their own head as I am sometimes. Everyone tells me that everything improves, year by year, after you turn 25, and that you couldn't pay them enough money for them to be under 25 again. Hah!
(these desired improvements are why I am on this impossibly restricted diet, but when am I going to see results? I have just enough energy to become bored and restless and panicky? that's not right! i don't want to go from depressed to anxious!)
So, my great plan of the night, of the past few nights, has been to buy some hair so I can make myself some dreadlock falls. I need to blend like three colors to get something approximating my current haircolor, but it's OK. I'm too cheap to have someone make these things for me. It has become tremendously important that I find the supplies (some of which I already have, most of which I don't), as soon as possible. Why? To fill up some empty time, to make me feel like my whole youth isn't being wasted in illness.
Just right now I want to sleep until I wake up somewhere else, feeling better, without a gigantic "to-do" list stapled to my psyche, with a good idea of the answer to the Big Question (yes, yes, contemplating yet another career change). I know this isn't healthy and I'm not going to wallow in My Pain, per se. But I get confused when I try to think of ways to deal with it - and when avenues discarded because they aren't currently possible for me start to pile up, I get that vague panicky feeling. It's not the same as a real panic attack, it's more the sort of thing that I got as a kid when waiting in line for a haunted house at Halloween or something.
Interesting to note that the haunted house so paralyzed me within the first fifty feet or so that they had to SHUT IT DOWN, APOLOGIZE, and LEAD ME OUT THE FRONT DOOR before they could start the music and turn off the lights again.
I had a point when I started writing this, I'm sure.
It must simply be that I feel so aimless and cannot find an aim really appropriate to my current (ever-changing, too, pleh) strengths and limitations. I hate it about myself that it is usually others who prop me up and point me in a direction. The last time it was a man... in the sort of relationship I've sworn to myself not to repeat. I have to make my own way, not be encouraged in my strengths by guys who... well, by guys of any kind. Let ALONE guys who suck every bit of emotional strength (not my best point to begin with).
and there is no convenient artistic conclusion here, no turn of phrase that will make it any more comfortable for me... or the people who read what I've just said.
Since my sleeping is all wound around again (this is what happens when you are sick, when you have nowhere you have to be except at home, when you sleep a lot and have friends you like to stay up to talk to - sleeping becomes very arbitrary - ), I decided to stay up all day today. Or at least I will try; I may be too tired in a few hours, but right now I'm still going strong and an infusion of caffeine wouldn't hurt either. I'm wanting one of those fruit&yogurt parfait things from McD's but... they're from MCDONALD'S, for crying out loud. I could just go over to the grocery store and buy fruit. anyway, fruit is still o-u-t in my diet. it's technically OK but i've been having icecream every so often and I don't want to push the sugar levels. I ate grapes the other day, which was legal, but other than that I have been SO GOOD. taking my pills, using stevia in my tea, drinking almost nothing but water. no hooch, certainly, not even soy milk.
I cut SOMEthing on one of my legs. I have my knees drawn up to my chest and I just noticed that they were bloody. I took a shower a few hours ago, this must be a relic.
Anyway, I'm so restless. I still have a million things to do, but they're not fun enough to overcome the inertia and the vague sense that I would be horribly depressed if I thought about it enough. That Way Lies Dragons. I start to get a sick feeling of being about to open a door with bad things behind it, a lot, when I think about the future. It's just anxiety, it's just panic. Things swirl.
I am not a sad girl, I am not naturally sad. Maybe sarcastic and venomous under pressure, maybe a little too ironic. But it's in my nature to want to laugh and have fun, not to fall apart. I don't like people to see me crying. Anytime I think of it... if I am... I get more upset because I'm being mad at myself for being upset. So I try to be either quiet or kindly or delightful. & sometimes my kindliness or jokiness is miscast by others. & sometimes I'm irritable, though not the fabulous crank I was before I A) divorced myself from the cause of much of my crankiness and B)met my friend Paxil. & I'm pretty sure that everyone my age is just as stuck in their own head as I am sometimes. Everyone tells me that everything improves, year by year, after you turn 25, and that you couldn't pay them enough money for them to be under 25 again. Hah!
(these desired improvements are why I am on this impossibly restricted diet, but when am I going to see results? I have just enough energy to become bored and restless and panicky? that's not right! i don't want to go from depressed to anxious!)
So, my great plan of the night, of the past few nights, has been to buy some hair so I can make myself some dreadlock falls. I need to blend like three colors to get something approximating my current haircolor, but it's OK. I'm too cheap to have someone make these things for me. It has become tremendously important that I find the supplies (some of which I already have, most of which I don't), as soon as possible. Why? To fill up some empty time, to make me feel like my whole youth isn't being wasted in illness.
Just right now I want to sleep until I wake up somewhere else, feeling better, without a gigantic "to-do" list stapled to my psyche, with a good idea of the answer to the Big Question (yes, yes, contemplating yet another career change). I know this isn't healthy and I'm not going to wallow in My Pain, per se. But I get confused when I try to think of ways to deal with it - and when avenues discarded because they aren't currently possible for me start to pile up, I get that vague panicky feeling. It's not the same as a real panic attack, it's more the sort of thing that I got as a kid when waiting in line for a haunted house at Halloween or something.
Interesting to note that the haunted house so paralyzed me within the first fifty feet or so that they had to SHUT IT DOWN, APOLOGIZE, and LEAD ME OUT THE FRONT DOOR before they could start the music and turn off the lights again.
I had a point when I started writing this, I'm sure.
It must simply be that I feel so aimless and cannot find an aim really appropriate to my current (ever-changing, too, pleh) strengths and limitations. I hate it about myself that it is usually others who prop me up and point me in a direction. The last time it was a man... in the sort of relationship I've sworn to myself not to repeat. I have to make my own way, not be encouraged in my strengths by guys who... well, by guys of any kind. Let ALONE guys who suck every bit of emotional strength (not my best point to begin with).
and there is no convenient artistic conclusion here, no turn of phrase that will make it any more comfortable for me... or the people who read what I've just said.
