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Feb. 16th, 2001 04:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verbminxOK, going to bed now. I have caught up on the news and have been talking to Autumn and Ragdoll. My ears are bothering me more than usual; I bought ear candles today, but upon reading the instructions discovered they are somewhat more complicated than previously suspected. My head hurts. I'm amazingly tired and off to bed in a few minutes.
I hurt my arm in the car today. Shifted in my seat and it got pinched, somehow, a few inches above the wrist, in the clasp of the seatbelt. Now I have a 2"x.5" bruised welt in the soft part of my inner arm. It doesn't hurt that much, but it hurts to think about. The spectre of the pain is worse than the actual aftermath. Thinking about it makes me cringe so I use my brain to prod around the idea, not quite touching on it. I'm clumsy and I bruise easily and this is no worse than the 2 or 3 others I get on any given day, except that the skin is so tender and the initial pain was so shattering that I wondered if I'd torn out a chunk.
Lately I am afraid a lot. Afraid of school, afraid of my email, afraid to interact with people while I'm out because so many have been so unpleasant. Panic symptoms are escalating a bit. I bought KavaKava, and I'm trying to be as calm as possible, get enough sleep, eat well and take vitamins, etc. Today a girl at the restaurant went out of her way to hold a door open for me and I think I should try to remember that as much as the woman who went out of her way to yell at me.
I'm so tired - ready to be soft and heavy under a cloud of down. Ready to be lost somewhere for eight hours, ready for tomorrow and the weekend, ready to walk across the city and back and throw away everything useless I've ever owned. Sleep gets in the way of other things I want to do, need to do, but I enjoy sleep so much. It should be an Olympic sport. I could win a silver in REM and a gold in dreaming.
I hurt my arm in the car today. Shifted in my seat and it got pinched, somehow, a few inches above the wrist, in the clasp of the seatbelt. Now I have a 2"x.5" bruised welt in the soft part of my inner arm. It doesn't hurt that much, but it hurts to think about. The spectre of the pain is worse than the actual aftermath. Thinking about it makes me cringe so I use my brain to prod around the idea, not quite touching on it. I'm clumsy and I bruise easily and this is no worse than the 2 or 3 others I get on any given day, except that the skin is so tender and the initial pain was so shattering that I wondered if I'd torn out a chunk.
Lately I am afraid a lot. Afraid of school, afraid of my email, afraid to interact with people while I'm out because so many have been so unpleasant. Panic symptoms are escalating a bit. I bought KavaKava, and I'm trying to be as calm as possible, get enough sleep, eat well and take vitamins, etc. Today a girl at the restaurant went out of her way to hold a door open for me and I think I should try to remember that as much as the woman who went out of her way to yell at me.
I'm so tired - ready to be soft and heavy under a cloud of down. Ready to be lost somewhere for eight hours, ready for tomorrow and the weekend, ready to walk across the city and back and throw away everything useless I've ever owned. Sleep gets in the way of other things I want to do, need to do, but I enjoy sleep so much. It should be an Olympic sport. I could win a silver in REM and a gold in dreaming.
