(no subject)

hey, it's internautte's birthday! Happy birthday, Natalia! :)
(how do I know this? I just got a new version of Semagic, and it told me! yay finally.)

i have a new computer. can i have a new nervous system?

I have, more or less, two ways of getting upset. I don't mean angry or irritated, which usually either results in me leaving the area or me lecturing someone. I mean, like, freaked out about something.

One is a panic attack. I start feeling trapped, have trouble breathing, and eventually cry. Some people, including some relatives, have the kind where you faint or feel like you're having an inexplicable heart attack. I just start to feel dizzy and overwhelmed and like I need to go for a walk (in which case I need the freedom to do so) or cuddle up in a blankie or, um, clean a room or something. This is why I usually have panic attacks in the car when I'm not driving - no freedom to move, no control over where the car is going or how fast, needing air and not to be in a small box moving at great velocity.

The other kind is different, and I'm saying so in reference to my last entry, which was friends-only. It's just... nothing. It's just black. Like walking into a wall of smoke. On some occasions, it can pass, if there is a source of it and that goes away quickly. On others, all I can do is, like, read and sleep, and it might go away if I get distracted and eat well and get some sleep, and I should probably be left alone in my room, if I want it, but not alone in the house. I was once like this for about... three months? a little more? I wasn't on medication or in therapy, and I should have been. But that was a bad breakup and it was probably good for me to go through it, because I saw the other end of it, and the whole time, I was like, "This is complete bullshit! When do I get to stop feeling like this?"

and I hate to be a bother to anyone. Really. mostly i'm just embarrassed by an inability to be completely stoic. if i'm with my mom she tells me to "stop being such a baby" or "stop crying, you don't have anything to cry about" (missing the pertinent point that I'm crying basically because I have a physical need to cry). if I'm with my dad, he'll be a complete dick until I start crying, at which point he realizes that I'm actually really upset and not just being a bitch for fun, and then he feels bad. my own standards of personal decorum lean towards the first: emotional freakouts in public are undignified. so then i have them, because i don't know how to NOT have them, and then i'm embarrassed.

i don't know when i became so sad, in several senses of the word. i'm not like this all or even most of the time. i think it's been particularly bad lately because of all the stress and turmoil of moving. so hopefully it'll be better when i've gotten settled in.