(no subject)

Blah.

Another in a string of not-so-good days.

I really wanted to stay home today, but ended up going out, first for hairdye, then for stucco patch compound so that the house can be painted, then to look at stupid books so that I can get a stupid topic for my stupid Philosophy paper, THEN to buy fire-ant-killing-granules so that nobody will get eaten alive while attempting to paint the house.

My mother made me cry tonight, in the last store, because... she is just so careless and extreme, with my feelings. & sometimes I'm oversensitive. But getting the everybody-hates-you treatment from my family via my mother... really from her family, because she'll back up points with "and everyone always says you're blah blah blah"... it sucks. & so does being told that your mother hates you because you put some body lotion in the cart at WalMart. Especially when the pesticide aisle's fumes are already making you sick.

She apologized and all, but... I don't feel cheery. I don't feel giggly. I do not in any way feel any lightness of being. I feel like a stranger in my own body and home. & a lot of it is just feeding off her craziness, which she gives off in waves. she's still not getting any help. she doesn't even want to get out of bed during the day. she wakes up and has a panic attack. she stays up late so that she can delay going to sleep because going to sleep leads to waking up. and this is above and beyond the depression and low self-esteem and so on.

Now I am home... trying to get in touch with Nathalie to see if she is going to join me tomorrow night on my planned misadventure (otherwise I'm alone with my mom... no way to leave her home, and I guess I'd rather go with her than go alone). Chatting with Autumn on AIM, some things I'm really not up for (like a discussion of why we haven't been talking much for a while) but it's mostly OK. I just can't deal with anything else in the anywhere near future "qui comprime le coeur comme un papier qu'on froisse". (last time I was this miserable, it was PMS.)

(no subject)

Amending my list of books-I-read this past year to include

-Thank You and OK!: An American Zen Failure in Japan (David Chadwick?)
-The Lost Soul Companion - Susan Brackney
-The Bhagavad-Gita

also, when I said "OK" in my last entry, I meant "nice", not "meh". just the acknowledgement that there was a bit of falling-out there was stressful for me. because i am good at letting that stuff happen and then pretending it didn't.

I miss C.

bargain bitch

I have what seems to me to be an entertaining idea for a website, but I can't really afford to buy another domain and hosting. Anyone want to sponsor me? No? I didn't think so. Too bad. You would have been entertained.

I bought stuff at the bookstore, tonight, as usual. Time/Life had this great "What Life Was Like" series of books, history books, done in the last few years. They were actually GOOD, I checked the one on Elizabethan England out from the library a while ago, and was impressed. Good information, good illustrations; great for a writer who needs to pin down details of daily life, like what a bedroom might have looked like. They were in the bargain books when I stopped at the store, and I got the Age of Chivalry volume; I'll also probably get Rome and Europe's Golden Age. $7.

Then I noticed that those art portfolios B&N was selling this holiday were 75% off, so I got the pinup one. The posters are nice, plus the translucent portfolio alone would normally cost quite a bit more than the $7.50 they were charging.

& I have a discount card, so less than that for each of those, actually.

I picked up a few introductory summary books on various philosophy topics (Kant, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Aristotle), because I need to pick paper topics, and I also copied down two pages of paper ideas from a book of, well, academic paper topics. The introductory books will mostly be returned when I have narrowed down my topic. They were not on sale, damn it.

Finally, I bought a sociology book called The Overspent American: Why We Want What We Don't Need. It's pretty good (and damning) so far, though I disagree with some of its conclusions (for instance, I don't buy a $14 lipstick so that I will look cool when I take it out of my purse; I buy it because I like the specific shade and texture, and it's hard to find. Or in other cases because the cheaper brand has a funny smell or makes the edge of my mouth break out in a rash). Yes, I grasp the irony of me A)reading such a book and B)buying it when I don't need it, and that's kind of the point, you know. I need to downshift.

I also need to go to sleep. Have a splitting headache, but I'm going out tonight, to see a distant friend perform. Whee.