i hide kisses in your hair

continuing my lazy day plan.

i loaded the following cds into the player:
Cocteau Twins: Blue Bell Knoll
Lush: Spooky
Lamb: Lamb

and am drinking tea and talking to B., who is as amazing as usual. he has decided that, since he is working third shift over the next few weeks and will have very little to do between 2 and 6 AM, he is going to write a novel on company time. (I used to work for this company too, and might go back.) I told him that he is splendid.

Earlier I noticed, to my horror, that my entire kitchen counter was full... of recycling I had been neglecting to take out! Very little of it was dirty dishes. I'm ashamed of myself.

If I don't write something soon I'm going to implode. being online... I thought it would inspire me to be more creative over the years, or refine my writing skills, but it hasn't... it's made me a lazy colloquial writer, albeit one who is a little less bashful about sharing. Sometimes I feel as though I can barely string a sentence together.

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I updated my profile a little - the information is the same, but the "voice" is different, and I added a few things. I also put in (a while ago, but I think I keep forgetting to mention it) an email address, so if anyone is terribly eager to talk to me in private, it's there.

I'm tired, a little hungry, and chatting with H about all kinds of things, like that darned Goddess Quiz, vintage clothing, boys, etc. Maybe soon I will be able to go visit her (and V, since they are both in NYC - all my close female friends are in the general NYC area now, except J and K). Trouble is, I won't have a lot of free time until the holidays, and I wouldn't feel right about leaving my mom alone here.

My Pink Vanilla Grapefruit candle burned itself out. I lit my old Orange Vanilla jar candle, which proves to have a similar scent. I have been thinking about C (as a result of the scent memory I mentioned a couple of entries back). I think I am mad at her. But more on that at another time. I'm just too tired to type it out now, and it's not like it's anything but the same old nonsense anyways. I just wish I could see my niece!

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Everyone on LJ has become obsessed with quizzes, it seems. I keep taking them and then not posting my results. Everytime I take a faux Meyers-Briggs, anyways, I get different results. I guess it just depends on my mood for the day. and no, I don't have MPD.

I slept a lot today... strange dreams and a warm cat curled up at my side lent themselves to laziness. I dreamt that I was pregnant (which I always do when I'm having some kind of abdominal pangs; although sometimes bad cramps translate themselves into a dream about sex). I remember that in this dream, my breasts had swollen, I had had a false alarm (of course, in an environment utterly nonconducive to giving birth - more like a high-design college cafeteria or library of the late 80s than anything!), and it felt like I had been pregnant too long, more than the normal gestation period. Then the question came of whether I had actually been pregnant at all, as I apparently had never taken a test. It was strange.

I then had dreams about... Christmas dinners and my house being haunted and other strange things. We had to have an exorcist who went around the house choosing exactly what was troublesome. Was it the old vintage clothes, or the box of things from a hundred years ago that were troublesome? No. It was hidden things. A box full of papers my stepfather had left, in which it became apparent that he had laid a deadly curse on a man who had married his highschool sweetheart. A mailing that looked like any other advertising mailing, but had come from a demon. The house was cleared and objects stopped flying around. More indescribable things... like going to a mall on Christmas day to look for presents for someone, wondering when all the chocolates were going to be on clearance, and then realizing, poof!, that saying so had made everything turn into clearance chocolates, and had messed up a nice young man's inventory and markdowns.

I have a strange head.

I still haven't done laundry, and I'm just about out of clothes and have a backseat full of clothes that need to be dried (well, now they need to be rewashed, too!). I think that, and studying, is the plan for this evening.

Oh, here are some things I scribbled last night in reference to the most recent ex. I wasn't feeling very inspired (maybe because I just don't care about him very much anymore, maybe because I was falling asleep as I scribbled away).

***

It seems I am always kissing you goodbye.
Your dishonest mouth, key-like,
winds my heart up, twists in my chest,
turning over and around
until I forget that I can breathe.
Just go.

***

there is a knot in my stomach
that runs up my throat,
out of my mouth,
into your eye,
behind the lens,
down the nerve
into your spine,
and sits at the fulcrum of your life.

***

When I said I wanted to fall in love with an artist,
I meant a man of skill,
of thought, brilliant ideas,
good with his hands.
Not a man of pretenses,
invention, obsession, starvation, intoxication,
weak and whiskey-tinged.

***

The cliche about blossoms is that they wither and die.
I thought you made me bloom.
Maybe I should be grateful
for being misled.

***

yeah. anyways. I'm not thrilled with myself. Maybe I'll do better another day when I'm not forcing myself. I quit writing poetry and related bagatelles a long time ago, anyways... right around the time the aforementioned ex and I broke up, I just found it difficult to care anymore.

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everyone go say hello to autumnthought - one of my very good friends. I was talking to her last night, and told her why I liked this system, and after I went to sleep, the stealthy girl went and bought an account and started her own journal! (This now means that two of the three in the trium-girl-ate of my online friends, the "all my friends are in NYC" trio, now have LJs. Ragdoll and autumnthought. I just have to corrupt V into it now!)

After my last entry I went to the grocery store, which was nearly empty. I bought some necessities and some silly magazines. I spent $85, which is pretty good for me on a complete trip to the grocery store. I got fried chicken and potato salad for dinner. Finally, the fruit flies have ditched the tomato bin (it's getting colder), so I was able to get produce there too, and am going to cut it up and have a salad later.

I felt melancholic in the grocery store, edging on depression, but not quite there. I suppose it could as easily be described as "sulky". Also, my back did very bad things and almost went out while I was picking up a carton of half and half.

I feel like I am getting sick again.
This is not good.
When my mom comes home, we are going on the Kill Candida Diet.
In the meantime, I'll be taking candi-trol and probiotics and trying to feel better.
I know that's what it is, since all I crave is sweets and carbs. I need more protein and vegetables. (which is primarily what I bought tonight!)

I wrote in Camille's comment area that I would describe my experience with a potential bodhisattva... and I will, later. I just don't have time or inclination at the moment. So give it a few hours. It's a difficult story, no matter when I sit down to write it...